As a rare disease mom, and mom to one young adult son who struggles with severe depression as a result of his illness and the effects of trauma that has occurred since, I have learned to cherish the good moments. We have many days, dare I say most days, where the struggles are real, where getting him out of his room or even his bed are a real struggle. So, when the good moments happen, no matter how small they may seem to the rest of the world, I celebrate them even if just in my own heart.
It seems to me that so many people seem to think that our thoughts and words have power beyond what they do. There have been countless times where after weeks of struggle I get excited about the smallest glimmer of hope only to be shushed and told not to speak it to the world in fears that acknowledging it will make it go away. The problem with that is if you do not celebrate those good times, that right now are so rare, the rest of the time is rather bleak and weary....
The other problem like I said is the whole idea that our thoughts and words have that much power. If my thoughts and words that are positive have that much power - the power to bring my child's world spinning back down - wouldn't the opposite also be true? Wouldn't the countless days that I spend furious that he is struggling, searching for answers, upset that at 21 he has no quality of life also being about some sort of change? I can tell you that it most certainly has not worked that way. My words have no power in the overall universe or the wellness of my child.
Now, I know some will question how I can say all of this and still be a strong Christian who believes in the power of prayer and that God listens. I do believe that God listens and I even believe that God loves my son more than I even do. I also believe that God puts people through trials in life and that there is growing that happens through this. I also have faith that at some point our son will look inward and find the strength that God has given him to find his way out of this darkness. I know that God does hear my prayers and that He listens, but I have also been assured that hearing my prayers does not mean that He snaps His fingers and makes them happen - even when they are for good things.
I will continue to feel the dispair of a mother who is missing a huge piece of her son most days and fight with all I can to get him back. But at the same time I will continue to feel the happiness in my heart when I hear him upstairs singing - always a sign to me that his heart is well in the moment. I will embrace every moment where he chooses to eat dinner with our family. I will continue to open my ears and my heart to every conversation that he is brave enough to share with me. I will treasure overy moment where I have a piece of him. My words may not change things, but I believe that my heart and my attitude can....
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