It really did and then it just kept going so here I am....
I have been feeling all the feels this week. This is always a hard week for me - both grandma and grandpa's birthdays were this week and they were both so special to me. They have both been gone over ten years now and I can tell you, last night I cried missing my grandma.
You see, when I talk about who loved me in the way I need to be loved most in this whole world it is her. My husband knows not take the personally - it was just who my grandma was and how she loved. It was how she thought of everyone and went out of her way to love them in the ways they did want and need to be loved - I strive for that.
There is so much that I see of both of them in who I am and who I see in my boys. The joy that brings me is almost enough to overcome the sadness that has been in my heart this week missing them.
In our youngest, I see glimpses of my grandparents at times though in his deep depression it is not often. I see it in his no-nonsense way of looking at the world. This was my grandfather to a T. Get rid of all the fluff and just say it like it is, but be warned he will do the same!! I see my grandma in his unbridled passion - right now his is mostly for NBA. She was passionate about so much -- her family, the way she fought for people with disabilities, her garden, her swimming and also our local NBA team, the apple did not fall far on that one!!
When I look at our oldest who is in a much more stable place I can see even more. When he doesn't understand something he digs into it to understand - that was both of my grandparents, but especially my grandpa. I too, was sick as a kid, and in some of the worst times he pour through yellow pages making calls to find where to best doctors in the country could be to help me. He was never one to just take someone's word for how something was or was supposed to be Grandpa was going to do the research and make sure it was and then take it a step further and find out why. I now find our oldest doing so much of the same in everything - as he questions the world, faith, politics and looks towards his future. And he definitely has my grandma in him!! First of all that boy can swim - he had the lungs of a 60 year old at 14 and swimming has literally saved his life I believe. But more than that the way he has compassion for so many who are less fortunate. There are conversations that we have where he brings me to look at things in such a different light and I appreciate it so much!!
Then I look at myself, now in my 50s and I embrace the parts of my grandparents that I see in me. Those are the parts I want to hold tight to. First of course is the love - the way they loved each other was amazing! They were literally born three days apart, lived a few houses away from each other and went to kindergarten together!! I can remember being a kid and having the example of them showing each other love and respect, caring for each other when ill, and celebrating together so many good times and milestones. I see my grandpa in me in the way I am going to dig for answers, dig for the whys. I think of him every single time someone compliments my handwriting like he always did. I think about him as I fight off sleep to watch the last minutes of a basketball game (He would say "kerri-doodle -- the result will be the same whether you are wathing or not go get some sleep". My mom reminds me once in PT recovering from something - every time they had him do an exercise he would "one more" just to push himself, she and, now I, find myself doing the same!! My dad followed grandpa's example in just going out of his way to help others however he could and then responding with "It was easy". And those closest to me have heard me do the same. Grandpa was always one to jump in and help and I would like to think the same of myself.
Lastly how I see my grandma in myself. I do not know of anyone who taught me more how to advocate. I grew up knowing how she advocated for those with disabilities - from volunteering to writing letters to politicians. She worked so hard for the casuses she believed in and she never wavered or let others persuade her in the least - she was set in her principles and could not be deterred at all. As I find myself reaching out today, calling my Congressman, I know that part of my willingness and braveness to do that comes from seeing her sitting at her kitchen table doing the same when I was a little girl. She took me out to volunteer with her at the musuem when I was in either elementary school and if that wasn't enough she included my friends in that too. She not only knew how important it was to volunteer, but how improtant it was to pass that message down to future generations. She was the ulitmate caregiver - being sick meant a day at her house with Priceis Right on the tv, a tv tray with soup and crackers for lunch and being doted on all day. My life as an adult has not gone the way I planned, I have been caregiver for someone pretty consistenly since 2002. But having her as a model of how to care for others is truly an inspiration.
Like I said above, this started as a Facebook post, but once I started writing abut two of the most incredible people I have been blessed to know I could not stop. And in a week where a lot feels really heavy I have to share these two wonderful people with my online world and have this as something I can always look back on.
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